punderful jokes

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

and more

dad jokes

Here's a couple.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

I’m worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.

And 18 more

test answers

We don’t know if these kids are just brilliantly ironic or they simply made mistakes.

[via Paula]

cockroach

true

baby handling tips

http://imgur.com/a/8HAiH

book available from Amazon (Safe Baby Handling Tips)

[via Pat]

cold spell

Back when I was in the seventh grade, I was in a spelling bee. It was for Mrs. Keane’s English class at Wahiawa Intermediate School. The competition was stiff, but I was holding my own. It came down to me and a girl. I was up first, and I prayed for an easy word. My prayer was answered, as the teacher asked me to spell the word “icy.”

The rest of the class moaned because I drew such an easy word. Confident, I threw my chest out and loudly spelled it out, “I-C-E-E!” Everyone laughed at me because I just spelled the name of everyone’s favorite frozen drink

-- Ron Nagasawa, Midweek, April 3, 2013

TOO LOL

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2012/07/21

the last time?

The other night we were all in the living room watching TV. My mom came walking from the bathroom mumbling that the toilet wasn’t flushing properly. I rolled my eyes, thinking that I would have to interrupt my mindless relaxation and solve the problem.

Before I could even complain out loud, my mom came walking back with a number of implements in her hands. Of course, she had a toilet plunger, a small plastic bucket, some paper towels and one other thing that totally caught my eye: my Bobby Flay official barbecuing tongs.

I halted her in mid-step and asked what she was doing with my tongs. She said she might need them to fix the problem. She told me not to worry, that she’d clean everything with Clorox and Lysol.

I stood up and grabbed the tongs away, saying, “Ma, there’s no way you’re going to use these for that!” Unaffected, she proceeded to the bathroom sans my tongs and took care of “the problem.”

I looked at my wife and said, “Can you believe what she was about to use my tongs for?”

My wife, with a totally straight face replied, “Why? It worked for her the last time she used them.”

Six tales to make you feel smart

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)


TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly....

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.


SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

[via Donna]

Filipino words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[from my sister via Donda Spiker -- blame them]

saving 60 bucks

Recently, in our family’s attempt to cut costs on the home front, I decided to stop our monthly yard service. It was a luxury for me since our property is about the width of the Farrington Highway medial strip. Although the service saved me a bunch of time, the price escalated over the years to 60 bucks.

I figured I could rake, manicure our lawn and prune our bushes on my own and save some real green. So, the other weekend, outfitted with an iPod, pruning shears and my two bare hands, I went to take on nature. Since my wife and daughter weren’t home, I could do so without any scrutiny.

First on the agenda was to set up our green recycling waste receptacle so that I could throw all my trimmings into it. Somehow in the process of rolling it from my garage the distance of three feet to my front yard, I sustained an injury. While slamming the cover shut, I caught my right pinkie at the pivot point and crushed it at the base of my nail. Anyone who has done that knows that it hurts like a sonof-a-gun. I went into the house to find a bandage and hydrogen peroxide to clean it.

I might as well have been searching for life on Mars, as I can never find first aid supplies when I need them. I went to the garage and wrapped my finger in duct tape. I returned to the task at hand and went to pruning our pikake bush. Holding the clippers in my injured hand, I clipped away.

I was pretty amazed at the progress I was making and thought I should have taken this on a long time ago. Just then the music from my iPod stopped. I had inadvertently severed the ear bud wire. Upset, I returned to aggressively clipping the bush.

I suddenly felt excruciating pain in my left pinkie. That’s right, I mistakenly cut my own finger. It was like a botched Yakuza rite. It definitely needed to be cleaned, so without any hydrogen peroxide, I decided to do like the movies and use some high proof whiskey.

The people in my ZIP code must have wondered where the primal scream came from. I followed up by wrapping my left pinkie with duct tape. Just then my wife and daughter came driving up. There I stood, both pinkies wrapped in duct tape and my iPod ear bud wire hanging sans the iPod.

Before my wife could open her mouth, I blurted, “I just saved us $60!”

-- Ron Nagasawa

why plumbers make lousy beekeepers

http://www.tundracomics.com/thisweekstundra/07-12-09.jpg

Man Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Get Sympathy from your girlfriends.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a COLor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, Boobs, or Poker.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.

[passed along by Raynette]

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[from Donna]

you know you local

You know you Local, if you understand:


- and speak pidgin english and da people cannot understand you

- You automatically take your slippahs off in someone elses home

- No body is completely sure where "north" is...

- You eat rice every single day

- Its shave ice not snow cones, shoyu not soy sauce, saimin not ramen, Kada-okay not Carry-ohkie, slippers not flip flops

- You know to NEVER turn your back to da ocean

- The name Duke means royalty...

- You know what "ukus" are

- You have highlighted hair

- You know where all da creepy places like burial sites are on da island

- Da term "dress up" means one nice aloha shirt and jeans

- You eat arare and malasadas

- You know what "tutu" means

- You get a million pairs of rubbah slippahs outside your house when your family gets together

- You dont understand why someone would buy anything smaller den a 20 pound bag of rice

- You eat portuguese sausage, eggs and rice for breakfast

- You buy large quantities of toilet paper Jus in case get strike

- You would serve spam as a meat for dinner

- You can taste da difference between teriyaki and kal-bi

- You know wut da "stink eye" is and how to give it

- You can correctly pronounce Kalanianaole, Kalakaua and Aiea

- You know wut "Morgans Corner" is and it still scares you

- You know da difference between being hapa and hapai

- You know wut it takes to get into Kamehameha schools

- You say "Nori" not seaweed paper and "Brah" not Bro

- You know exactly why Sharks Cove is called that

- Your jokes are about Podagees not Polocks

- You tink 70 degrees is cold

- You know pineapples dont grow on trees

- Public transportation = Da Bus and Opala = rubbish

- You get da surf report on speed dial

- You spent half your life barefoot

- You neva understood why adding pineapple to anything made it "Hawaiian" to da rest of da world

- You eat green mango wit shoyu, vinegar and pepper

- You know how for cook rice by measuring da water wit da knuckle of your finger

- The condiments at da dinner table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah, kimchee, takuwan, Hawaiian salt and pickled onions

- You call everyone older den you "Aunty" or "Uncle" even if dey aren't related to you

- A balanced meal has both starches: rice and macaroni salad

- Your only suit is a bathing suit

- You drive barefoot

- You feel guilty leaving a get together without helping clean up

- The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable

- You'd rather drag out da compressor every morning to fill da leaky tire instead of get it fixed

- Da only time you honk your horn is during a wedding or safety check

- Your cuzin is Japanese-Chinese-Filipino-Hawaiian-Portuguese-French-Korean-Scottish and some stuff too manini to mention

- You watch your favorite shows "on top da TV"

- A approaching hurricane only means one thing....Surfs up brah!

- Beans and ice cream are da perfect condiment for shave ice

- No one knows exactly where da "fast lane" is on da freeway

- Female volleyball players are major celebrities

- Birds walk more den fly

- When you hear da words "fundraiser" it means sweet bread, huli huli chicken, podagee sausage or Zippy's Chili

- You go to Maui and your luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs, guri-guri, Maui cookies and saimin from Sam Sato's

- You have someone in your family named "Boy", "Tita", "Bruddah", "Sonny" or "Honey Gurl"

- You have a slipper tan and you know 101 ways fo fix yoa rubba slippahs

- You sometimes use your open car door as a dressing room

- "You like beef" has nothing to do wit wuts for dinner

Pocho joke

Three construction workers, one hawaiian, one japanese and one portagee were working on a highrise.

When it was time for lunch break the japanese guy opens his lunch box and says 'sushi! everyday I get sushi for lunch! If I get sushi one more time I going jump off this building!'

Next was the hawaiian guy, he opens his lunch box and says 'lau lau and poi! Everyday I get lau lau and poi for lunch! If I get lau lau and poi one more time I going jump off this building!'

And den da portagee open up his lunch box and says 'portagee sausage and rice! Everyday I get portagee sausage and rice for lunch! If I get portagee sausage and rice one more time I going jump off this building too!'.

Well, sure enough the next day they all get the same thing for lunch and jump off the building.

At the funeral the japanese workers wife sobbing says 'if I knew he didn't like sushi, I would have made him something else!'

Next the hawaiian guys wife says sobbingly 'if I knew he didn't like lau lau and poi, I would have made him something else!'

Then they both look at the portagee guys wife and she wasn't crying and she says 'No look at me, he made his own lunch!'

[via donna]

Porogee

The Porogee reported for his University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration, gets a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm checking my answers."

* * *

A Porogee went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Porogee," he replied.

He hurried home and put black shoe polish on his face thinking he could disguise himself as a black guy, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Porogee," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a different disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few months so his mustache would grow then he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Porogee," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Porogee?"

"Because", he replied, "that's a microwave."

* * *

A Porogee with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered,

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

[from Donna -- blame her]

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The office Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send this email to someone who will smile: its Called..... therapy!!!

[via Raynette via Phyllis 8/6/07]

EhBrahnics

You've heard of Ebonics... Check out pidgin's version: I'm Hooked on EhBrahnics

See for yourself how easy and quick it is to converse.

Before: Hello. I've been meaning to ask you,exactly how old you actually are.
After: Howzit. What year you grad?

Before: Pardon me. Your actions make me seriously doubt your manhood.
After: Wat? Panty?

Before: That is an excellent idea. I am in full concurrence with your plan. Let us do the deal.
After: Shoots!

Before: It's those darn tourists again! You know, they're getting to be a pain in my side.
After: Frickin' Haoles!

Before: Excuse me, you seem to be blocking my path of travel. Would you mind stepping to the side, please?
After: Try move!

Before: Please, officer, I give you my word that I will no longer travel in excess of the speed limit. I beg you not to write that ticket.
After: Eh, you know my unko?

Before: I don't care for your attitude, would you care to take this outside?
After: What? Beef?

Before: That's okay, I will do it myself!
After: Nevamine!

Before: You know what I'm talking about... that whatchamacallit?!
After: You know, Da Kine.

Before: Why don't we go and takea quick dip in the ocean?
After: We go beach.

Before: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out with you tonight, I wasn't able to find a babysitter for my children.
After: No can, my maddah said no!

Before: I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten all day!
After: We go L & L's.

Before: Can I contribute anything to your gathering. I don't want to come empty handed.
After: No worry, I get da poke!

Before: Of course I'll do you that favor!
After: Whatevas!

Before: Are you absolutely positive that you want to go through with this?
After: You Shua?

Left-Handers

Bill Lee, former left-handed major-league pitcher and a zany personality, on the brain’s hemispheres: “You have a left and right side. The left side controls the right half of your body and the right side controls the left half. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right mind.”

I Used To Believe

I Used To Believe is a funny and bizarre collection of ideas that adults thought were true when they were children. It will remind you what it was like to be a child, fascinated and horrified by the world in equal parts. The following pages will reassure you that the things you used to believe weren't so strange after all...

Science Test

Children's answers to a Science Exam

Actual answers given by children:


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, Pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed ?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans ?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forgot where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids ?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age ?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination ?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized ? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A.E.I.O. and U.

Q: What is the fibula ?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean ?
A: Nearby

Q: Give the meaning of the term, "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean ?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

-- email from Paula (10/2/05)

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes.. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Survivors

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright- colored, lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video-tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them!

(We have 6 TV stations, Erector sets, Chemistry sets, model planes and model rockets.)

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our "own" good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

- from Donna, 7/5/05 (see also 2/13/04)

http://hbingham.com/humor/survivors.htm

http://www.johnfry.com/pages/YouShouldBeDead.html

The Yoga Championship

I am the serenest!

Husband Mart

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, Texas. A woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

- from Pat Powers (1/6/05)

Education

Subject: Lipstick in schools

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

-- email from volleyball.org (12/21/04)

Uncle Caveman

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
was a bear.

- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts (Notable Quotables, 12/3/04)

highly predictable

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they are too old to do it.

- Shirley MacLaine (Notable Quotables, 9/20/04)

anti-Bush commentary

Warning: Bush supporters may be offended

- from Doug

fries?

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

- Jay Leno

(from Notable Quotables Daily)

Two Coats

This Filipino guy needed to paint his house. Filipinos usually do things themselves, but his gout was kicking in from eating all those animal organ foods.

So, he hires this Potogee guy to do the painting. He shows the Potogee where the paint is, then leaves for a doctor appointment.

When he returns, the painting is almost done. The Potogee was doing a good job. Then he sees the Potogee wearing a parka and a leather jacket, sweating like a pig as he continues to paint the house.

The Filipino guy can't figure out why the Potogee is wearing a parka and a leather jacket in all this heat, but does not want to ask. Curiosity finally gets the best of him and he asks the Potogee why he is wearing the parka and a leather jacket.

The Potogee shows the Filipino the paint instructions on the can. Sure enough, it said "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

The Filipino guy thought to himself, This man is so stupid. A parka is not a coat!!

- from Donna from Aunty Snips from Norman Ching

how's Holly?

A woman telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The woman answered, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator then asked, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The woman replied, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in room 302. Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me shit."

- from Arlene from Jerry

This Land

A political parody